tear powered vehicle

notes on growing up in the church

tear powered vehicle

weeping is biblical; holy

tears, indistinguishable; baptismal

sob's, turn to scripture;

bawls, equal to praise

weeping is generational; inherited

lamentation as a means to libation

tears, the gateway to valhalla

---

this is my most favorite poem,

—also shortest, i think—

and potentially single piece of writing,

that i have ever, created in my life, so far.

it just means so much to me!

growing up going to church every sunday, for hours and hours on end, it feels very therapeutic to write about all of the intense emotions that are present in the church, in general, and those that lie within in my heart, and mind, especially, about having to spend at least, 2/4, of my childhood there.

i’m still in the process of reconciling whether or not i would have preferred to spend those two quarters of my life, that i can never get back, by the way! elsewhere, or if what i learned, experienced, and gained, from that place, was worth the 2/4—

if you cannot already tell, i punctuated this poem very sporadically, and at times, nonsensically, on purpose—

i wanted the punctuation to mimic the way you speak when you are crying; choppy, ineligible, and with run on sentences.

this is 3rd baptist church in san francisco, i took this photo while being on set as the stills photographer for a feature film—taken on digicam

either way, this poem is about tears, and i will attempt to explain it for you, line by line, below:

sentence no1.

now if you grew up in the church, had religious parents/guardians, or have just happened to read the bible for fun—you know what i am talking about here.

one of the most famous, and shortest sentences in, the king james version (kjv) specifically, the bible, is john 11:35, coming in at just two words:

jesus wept.

in the case of my poem, this makes weeping, biblical, quite literally, because the phrase comes straight from the bible.

another still i took at 3rd baptist church—this is a huge bible they had laid out for the scene—taken on digicam—would you believe me if i told you that this image was blue before i edited it? that’s what happens when you take photos on a 14 year old digi—overdone auto color correct

sentence no2.

this is a direct continuation of the last sentence, referring to jesus’ weeping and commenting that jesus, who is considered to be holy, and his weeping, are indistinguishable from the tears, weeping, of man, aka humankind.

i found this chair in the corner of the room and shot it as if was a cross—taken on digicam

sentence no3.

this line, is a little convoluted, it means a lot of different things—

first, i’m insinuating that the tears you cry, are cleansing your soul;

therefore tying you back to christ, because baptisim is seen as a symbol of ‘giving your life to christ’ and being ‘cleared of sins.’

second, i also am insinuating that the tears that jesus wept are cleansing you, just like a baptisim symbolizes.

thirdly, i’m referencing the biblical nature of baptism, and how jesus was baptized, and also baptized others many a time, according to the bible, when he was on earth.

this photo was taken at 3rd baptist using 35mm, porta 800 film, on my famous minolta x700, with the original 50mm rokkor lens—the orange yellow hue came from the windows being stained glass yellow/orange

sentence no4.

‘bawls, equal to praise’ is a callback to two different things:

1) once again i’m referring to tears, and how crying feels like a cleansing of sorts, an absolvement of one’s sins, just like a baptism symbolizes.

2) i am also referring to the intense emotions people feel in the church, during praise and worship, specifically, that make them prone to screaming, shouting, and even crying when they ‘feel the holy spirit.’

‘weeping is generational’ is a calling card to the lineage of families that pass through, and grow up within, the four walls of the church—just like i grew up in the church, and my parents, and their parents, and so on and so forth.

this line also, more agonizingly, refers to the generations of individuals who grew up in the catholic church, really religious institutions in general, and were abused in anyway by leadership, members, loved one’s etc.

while this was not my story, we all have heard, and or know someone, who shares this story.

another still, church pews and the ‘holy bible’—taken on my 14 year old sony digi cam

sentence no5.

lamentation is defined as “the passionate expression of grief or sorrow; weeping.”

while libation is defined as “a drink poured out as an offering to a deity.”

here, i am saying that the generational tears, whether from trauma, praise and worship, feeling scorned by the man upstairs, etc. are being offered up to the big G O D, in order for them to drink, and absolve us of our sins.

for my aether speakers, who have studied the humanities, or are just into history, i am essentially, making an association to our tears being indulgences, which will clear the punishment that we would have had to suffer in the next life, without them.

the roof of 3rd baptist is gorg—shot on digi

sentence no6.

this last sentence here, is me reiterating the fact that, once again the things that bring us to tears, are the same things that save us, in the end.

valhalla is is the place that, in norse mythology, the souls of soldiers slain in battle, rest.

here, i am also relating our tears to the result of battle wounds, meaning that whatever brings us tears, made us soldiers, of life, and our weeping is proof, which will send us to a final resting place of peace.

conclusive thoughts

this poem, to me, is trying to make sense of the irony of religion—

it touches on the fact that in order to be saved, according to the biblical doctrine and lore, one must first suffer.

that’s exactly why i named this poem tear powered vehicle, it’s a reference to the point, that tears make the world go round;

you cry when you are born to signal that you are alive, you cry when you are alive to signal that you feel, and loved one’s will, hopefully, cry when you die, to signal that you had lived.

this is what happened to the son of G O D, jesus, and this is what happens to us, whether we subscribe (hehe please subscribe) to this doctrine, or not:

we live, we feel, and then we die

i wrote this back on october 1st of 2022, about 2 and 1/2 years ago, i was 19, and was still grappling with the weight of reconciling my childhood and my adulthood, just like every other teenage girl, and this poem was really helpful for me when it came to doing so.

just within the process of writing of this poem, it allowed me to accept that suffering is a part of living, and being human—

that suffering, at all levels, is unavoidable, which means you can stop wasting your time trying to avoid it, and can just live, knowing that the good times are just that much sweeter because of it!

never before seen still from 3rd baptist—a raw file—which i never share, but wanted to for this piece—taken on digi cam.

once again, thank you for speaking

~gail, xxoo