two ears to hear, one mouth to speak
how to become a better listener, in a speaker world
sometime during the early to mid 2010’s, (2012?), (2014?), i was exactly where i would usually be on a sunday afternoon, rain or shine, from ages zero to thirteen: sunday school.
it was a small classroom, and an even smaller class of students.
the sunday bible class was taking place in the pastors' office—the clock ticked, my fellow students were having conversations around me, i heard the mic feedback in the audio room, and in walked the teacher.
now, what exactly caused the teacher to say this, i must admit, dear reader, i cannot remember, i can only assume it was one, or some, of my particularly talkative schoolmates, however, i distinctly remember her saying these eleven words, verbatim:
you have two ears to hear, and one mouth to speak
this sentence has rumbled around my head ever since i heard it, one, because its true, we do have two ears, and one mouth, and two, because of the beauty in the nature of our biology, quietly guiding us on how to live.
of course when i think of the above statement, i also automatically think about the quote from a collection of stories, called: heptameron by marguerite de navarre (1492-1549), widely popularized, and read, in german, by elio’s mother in the film call me by your name, by luca guadagnino, which asks:
is it better to speak, or to die?
my dear reader, i believe, 99% of the time, it is always better to speak, however, if you ever happen to find yourself within that 1% of time, i am going to teach you how to die.
1. decenter self
this one is, simultaneously, the most difficult, and, the most simple task one can do to become a better listener, which is why it is first on the list.
it's going to take laying aside your:
past, present, future, desires, wants, lacks, goals, preconceived notions, judgements, biases, qualms, etc.
in favor of being tabula rasa—a blank slate, a sounding board, a listening ear;
this takes, what some in the spiritual community would refer to as, ‘shadow work’ while more secular individuals would refer to it as ‘going to therapy’ yet jungians would describe it as ‘ego death;’ but one thing is for sure, you must, find a way, anyway, to kill the part inside of you that craves to always be first, right, and the center of attention at all times.
2. pay attention
this next one you have most definitely heard of before, but you are going to have to actually pay it particular notice, this time: you must find all that it takes, within you, to become an attentive person.
yes, dear reader, this kind of person still exists; even in the era of playing six different videos in the background while reading, studying, and washing dishes, all at the same time.
there is, in fact, a distinction between drowning out the noise in your head by listening to X amount of different things at once, versus, putting all of your attention, thought, and focus, into one thing.
paying attention, aka listening to hear, involves zoning in, instead of zoning out.
not thinking about what’s for lunch, forgoing remembering the details of your last meeting, not freaking out internally because you think you forgot to turn the stove off, etc.
it involves paying attention to the body language of the speaker—
are their arms crossed? is their brow furrowed? are they on the verge of laughter? are they looking around frantically? etc.
try to gain an understanding of the external information that the speaker is subconsciously providing you, and use it to help you focus on the conversation at hand.
3. make eye contact
now, i know the above sentence just either 1) made the majority of those reading, or listening, to this guide, click off, or 2) recoil, out of anxiety, however, it is sadly true–
making eye contact does, in fact, build connections, and forces you to pay attention; while also de-centering self, therefore making you become a better listener.
as, i’m sure, you have heard, the mountain is you, so to guide you along, here are a couple ways to practice making eye contact:
make eye contact with yourself in the mirror–low anxiety risk, low reward.
another common trick for getting better at making eye contact is to look at the radix, the part of the nose that sits right between the eyes of the person who you are having a conversation with–medium anxiety risk, medium reward.
and lastly have a conversation with someone in the gen x-baby boomer generations–pretty self explanatory, these gen’s, specifically, grew up being taught to make eye contact while having conversation, and have no issue doing so–high anxiety risk, high reward.
becoming a better conversationalist
once you apply the above techniques, in order to become a better listener, it will inevitably become your turn to speak, so this is also the part where you become a better conversationalist.
remember that, most, of the time if someone is speaking to you, especially if this is someone, that you have known for some length of time, i.e. a friend, family member, partner etc. they are looking for some kind of catharsis from the conversation–
whether that may be laughter, recommendations, a listening ear, empathy, the truth etc.
your job as an aspiring, good listener/conversationalist, is to figure out what that may be.
1. advice, consolation, or just listen
now, when it is your turn to respond to the person who you are speaking with, before you even think to respond, you should seek to find out what the person would like to achieve from the conversation at hand.
was the conversation detailing a breakup? maybe the speaker would prefer consolation.
did the speaker mention to you that they are trying to figure out if they should move states for a job opportunity? maybe they would like your advice.
were you made aware, within the conversation, that their favorite coffee shop closed its doors? maybe the speaker would just like you to listen.
don’t assume anything—my high school bio. teacher
i find that, most times, as its what our brains are programmed to do, we make short cuts, via assumptions, and do not provide the other human being(s), who has their own life, experiences, truths etc. the agency to tell us what they need, which is not good, if your goal is to become a better listener.
2. respond precisely, as needed, within context
there’s no algebraic function to determine the success, or failure of a conversation, that i know of at least, but i believe, dear reader, we have all walked away from a conversation, at one point, or another, feeling either heard and satisfied with the conclusions, and or, insights that were made, or dismissed, and feeling like the conversation went nowhere.
the latter, dear reader, is what we are attempting to avoid, with this guide in general, and especially within this section.
remember all the groundwork we laid getting to this point?
this is where it comes in handy.
by de-centering yourself, paying attention, making eye contact, and figuring out what the other person in the conversation needs, you are now ready to make this a true conversation, by responding.
respond by 1) providing exactly what they asked for (advice, empathy, or just keep listening), followed by 2) sticking to the point.
you ‘stick to the point’ by building on what you heard, and adding relevant examples, anecdotes, guidance, expressions etc. that align with the needs of the speaker.
now this all sounds very simple, in theory, however, this is also where we often have seen, or experienced, conversations either take a turn for the worse, or the better.
final remarks
and there you have it, five steps on how to become a better listener in a speaker world–
by doing the internal work necessary and just simply being fully engaged in the conversation, you can become a better listener.
what are your credentials to make this newsletter post, you may ask, dear reader?
they include being the ‘therapist’ friend from the early age of ten, becoming a vault of secrets, dealing with things i have not yet experienced as an adult, and therefore becoming a lifelong listener–
oh yeah, which also reminds me, was the reason i ended up getting a bachelor's degree in psychology, as well.
as always though, take what i say with a grain of salt, as the world is much more dynamic than we sometimes give it credit for–and, as we all know, so are human beings.
as always, thank you for speaking
~gail, xxoo